Şubat 27, 2017

At night a candle's brighter than the sun!


how fool I am, I've thought for a second 2017 might have brought me some nice things. It just showed some nice things and took all it back or made me upside down.

now..

I just dont know what to do.

I just dont know what I want.

I just dont know who I am.

I just dont know where I belong.

I am just as a 30 years old teenager in personality crises!

life is cruel. And I feel like mine's a bit more cruel. (right now I strongly felt guilty about what I've written a sec before when the refugees fleeing from the war, kids getting abused at street came to my mind. yes I am in that perfect mood again not surprisingly.)

I have a new age resolution in my mind which I really need to write but may not share/post it. But before than that, I deeply need to write what I made a mistake, what I didnt do properly, what I missed, what I'd been expecting from life and couldnt get, etc.. I need to face my mistakes and regrets during my 20's I've made and I definitely wont share of course!

Even trying to get over a break up all I need was writing. I cant get rid of my thoughts unless I write. I just want to be creative and productive again. (I just even dont remember when lastly I was productive or creative, I feel like I've been  neither productive nor creative, I donno.)

since the life starts at 30, I let it start in a different way with less rules, less anxiety, more fun and more "I only live once".

I'll do that resolution and I'll let you know babe!

kisses,
jk

ps: I know the headline is totally irrelevant, but I want it. from now on, it's gonna be like that.



Şubat 19, 2017

It's over!


It's over.

After a very long and kindda complicated break of going on dates, I had been seeing a guy, I had been feeling happy when I was next to him -at least-, I was laughing with him (or smiling all by myself after seeing him) and the most important part was that I've been wondering about him, what he likes, what he doesnt like, what he laughes about, what makes him sad or mad, etc.

Normally I don't.

Mostly I am a very self centered person, I like to talk about myself more. And mostly I find myself more interesting and cleverer or I am able to make things more interesting which they even dont or make boring things sound interesting (yeap that's what I do) than others. And I noticed that about myself better after him, I really dont want to know others cuz I've seen some other guys in that period and I didnt wonder any of them even a little, even though I still see one of them. at least for now. -he is a nicer and the way more interesting guy (according to societal expectations), and also we understand each other better cuz there is no language barrier.- but! there is always at least "a" but.

I've been feeling that I made effort more than I supposed to, which is a little tiring, confusing (for me at least) and also strange cuz in my line of culture -yes I am a feminist but it doesnt change how I feel about it- man chase. I didnt chase him, neither did he, actually neither of us needed to chase cuz we were seeing each other regularly, once in a week, and texting the rest of the week. But. I've been feeling -I think thats because I wasnt chased and I used to be chased- that I made effort more. Being chased by a guy I am not into never have made me happy or flattered during my whole life, far from it was mostly irritating. yes irritating. annoying is not enough to interpret/describe. anyway.

I really dont know what I really point out.

It's been more than 2 weeks after deciding not to see each other. It wasn't even a break up cuz we were just dating. -ok, I think no harm to call it as "date". he also has used it on the second time we've seen each other which was too early to call "date" for me and I hate all those rules I have to follow and mostly I dont. (I live with mines, my own unique rules "noone knows about anything and changes all the time" type of)-

I am well aware of I just exagerate stream of consciousness thing. a lot. now. (look, I even cant follow the rules about how to write properly!)

I know how you feel my dear lost reader. I know your inner voice says that what da fuck she bullshits. Just give me a little more time.

I feel sorry.

After that decision -middle of the night, in his bed and naked- I got ready to leave in 2 and a half minutes which was my own record and I strongly believe that I will not break it at the rest of my life. I did it. Said "bye" with an awkward gesture was kind of a waving, doing with both hands. or maybe more like "surrender hands up" kind of. saw a face. one of the eyebrows up. bewildered. didnt know what to say. hurt deeply. said to myself "wtf we did, even didnt talk about it in a dressed up and civilised way". went out. about to lost. found a cab. remembered that I didnt carry enough cash. listened to the weird jokes of cab driver about it which he doesnt demand money from young ladies in middle of the night. felt more awkward. drastically. realized that I didnt wear bra. felt super uncomfortable. found an atm. took cash. called my roommate. made a super long phone call. felt super relieved. came home. smoked a few cigarettes. drank a glass of wine. got mad and super angry while talking about matters. made a decision about him whom is a spoiled cheeky monkey, attention whore, having super weird, wealthy and dumb turkish friends and social climber pretends that didnt grow up in a bavarian suburb!

great! I wasnt the circus providing him fun all the time.

I'll be honest. I have up and downs. Mostly, even myself, dont know what to do till I do and mostly the things I've done be a surprise for even me. even if I look super decisive I mostly try so hard to keep my emotions/up and downs under control. I was not like that when I be next to him except one time (the topic of previous post). I mean, if I need to be more frank, I have not wanted to run kilometers away from the table during the dates. somehow happens all the time. I didnt get bored of him. I think it was because our interest levels to boring stuff were equal or at least very close. And I didnt believe that he might like me. because of the cultural differences I think. I didnt quite get the signals. or the words. (or maybe there was no signal at all.)

Making the long story short, instead of feeling better about him for a while, my "feeling good" level is decreasing. The whole relieved, feeling ok, "fuck off" mood has all gone. I didnt feel that bad after breaking up with my ex american bf (actually I hadnt felt there is that big cultural gap between us though). I started to feel like it was all shit I put him through and he puts me through. and we made a mistake. (maybe he just doesnt even think about, I dont know.)

I just feel like after all those years -passing through without even having sex- I lost the person who I really connect with. (is it possible to lose someone you never had?) (and I dont know it was even important for him, it seemed so a while, somehow.) sometimes I strongly feel regretful about what I've done. sometimes I remember the last conversation about late history of turkish economy between us and get still super mad. and I am not even a socialist which I didnt even regard pointing it out as necessary.

sometimes I desperately want him back.

sometimes I desperately make the things clear.

all I know is that we have rushed to judge each other. a lot.

loves,
jk

ps: as I told him too, brits are the most beautiful, the most intimate lovers on the earth. here is another example besides amy winehouse, paolo nutini, adele or sam smith and many others.

ps II: I had banned this song to myself just a week ago!